Facing the Music Read online

  “Lie to me,” he say. “Lie to me and take money and promise. How many times you promised?”

  She go to him. He put the bottle behind his back, saying, “Don’t, now, baby.” He moaning, like.

  “Alan please,” she say. She put one arm around his waist and try for that bottle. He stronger than her. It ain’t fair! They stumble around in the kitchen. She trying for the bottle, he heading for the sink, she trying to get it. Done done this before. Ain’t no fun no more.

  He say, “I done told you what I’m goin to do.”

  She say, “Just let me finish it, Alan. Don’t make me beg,” she say. Ain’t no way she hold him, he too strong. Lift weights three days a week. Runs. Got muscles like concrete. Know how to box but don’t never hit her. She done hit him plenty with her little drunk fists, ain’t hurt him, though. He turn away and start taking the cap off the bottle. She grab for it. She got both hands on it. He trying to pull it away. She panting. He pulling the bottle away, down in the sink so he can pour it out. They going to break it. Somebody going to get cut. May be him, may be her. Don’t matter who. They tugging, back and forth, up and down. Ain’t nobody in they right mind.

  “Let go!” she say. She know Randy hearing it. He done run away once. Ain’t enough for her. Ought to be but ain’t.

  He jerk it away and it hit the side of the sink and break. Blood gushing out of his hand. Mixing with the wine. Blood and wine all over the sink. Don’t look good. Look bad. Look like maybe somebody have to kill theirself before it all get over with. Can’t keep on like this. Done gone on too long.

  “Godomightydamn,” he say. Done sliced his hand wide open. It bad, she don’t know how bad. Angel don’t want to see. She run back to the living room for the rest of that glass. She don’t drink it, he’ll get it. She grab it. Pour it down. Two inches of wine. Then it all gone. She throw the glass into the mirror and everything break. Alan yell something in the kitchen and she run back in there and look. He got a bloody towel wrap around his hand. Done unloaded two tons of wood today and hospital bill gonna be more than he made. Won’t take fifteen minutes. Emergency room robbery take longer than plain robbery but don’t require no gun.

  He shout, “This is it!” He crying and he don’t cry. “Can’t stand it! Sick of it!”

  She sick too. He won’t leave her alone. He love her. He done cut his hand wide open because of this love. He crying, little boy terrified. He run off again, somebody liable to snatch him up and they never see him again. Ought to be enough but ain’t. Ain’t never enough.

  She flashing back now. She done had a wreck a few weeks ago. She done went out with some friends of hern, Betty and Glynnis and Sue. She done bought clothes for Randy and towels for her mama and cowboy boots for Alan. Pretty ones. Rhino’s hide and hippo’s toes. She working then, she still have a job then. It a Saturday. Randy and Alan at Randy’s Little League game. She think she going over later, but she never make it. She get drunk instead.

  They gone have just one little drink, her and Betty and Sue and them. One little drink ain’t gone hurt nothing or nobody. Betty telling about her divorce and new men she checking out. She don’t give no details, though. They drinking a light white wine but Angel having a double One Fifty-One and Coke. She ain’t messing around. This a few weeks ago, she ain’t got time for no wine. And she drink hers off real quick and order and get another one before they even get they wines down. She think maybe they won’t even notice she done had two, they all so busy listening to Betty telling about these wimps she messing with. But it ain’t even interesting and they notice right away. Angel going to the game, though. She definitely going to the game. She done promised everybody in the country. Time done come where she have to be straight. She got to quit breaking these promises. She got to quit all this lying and conniving.

  Then before long they start talking about leaving. She ask them to stay, say Please, ya’ll just stay and have one more. But naw, they got to go. Glynnis, she claim she got this hot date tonight. She talk like she got a hot date every night. Betty got this new man she going out with and she got to roll her hair and stuff. But Sue now is true. Angel done went to high school with her. They was in school together back when they was wearing hot pants and stuff. This like a old relationship. But Sue know what going on. She just hate to say anything. She just hate to bring it out in the wide open. She got to say something, though. She wait till the rest of them go and then she speak up.

  She say, “I thought you goin to the ball game, girl.” She look at her watch.

  “Yeah,” Angel say. “Honey, I’m goin. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But first I got to have me some more One Fifty-One and Coke.”

  Sue know she lying. She done lied to everybody about everything. This thing a problem can’t keep quiet. She done had troubles at work. She done called in late, and sick, done called in and lied like a dog about her physical condition with these hungovers.

  Now Angel hurting. She know Sue know the truth but too good to nag. She know Sue one good person she can depend on the rest of her life, but she know too Sue ain’t putting up with her killing herself in her midst. She know Sue gone say something, but Sue don’t say nothing until she finish her second wine. This after Angel ask her to have a third wine. Somebody got to stop her. She keep on, she be asking to stay for a eighth and a ninth wine. She be asking to stay till the place close down.

  So Sue say, “You gone miss that ball game, girl.”

  She say she already late. She motion for another drink. Sue reach over and put her hand over Angel’s glass and say, “Don’t do that, girl.”

  “Late already,” she say. “One more won’t make no difference.”

  She know her speech and stuff messed up. It embarrassing, but the barmaid, she bring the drink. And Sue reach out, put her hand over the glass and say, “Don’t you give her that shit, woman.”

  Girl back up and say, “Ma’am?” Real nice like.

  “Don’t you give her that,” say Sue.

  Girl say, “Yes’m, but ma’am, she order it, ma’am.”

  Girl look at Angel.

  “Thank you, hon,” she say. She reach and take the drink and give the girl some money. Then she tip her a dollar and the girl walk away. Angel grab this drink and slosh some of it out on her. She know it but she can’t help it. She don’t know what went wrong. She shopping and going to the ball game and now this done happened again. She ain’t making no ball game. Ball game done shot to hell. She be in perhaps two three in the morning.

  Sue now, she tired of this.

  “When you goin to admit it?” she say.

  “Admit what?”

  “Girl, you know. Layin drunk. Runnin around here drinkin every night. Stayin out.”

  She say, “I don’t know what you talkin about,” like she huffy. She drinking every day. Even Sunday. Especially Sunday. Sunday the worst because ain’t nothing open. She don’t hit the liquor store Saturday night she climbing the walls Sunday afternoon. She done even got drunk and listened to the services on TV Sunday morning and got all depressed and passed out before dinnertime. Then Alan and Randy have to eat them turkey pot pies again.

  “Alan and Randy don’t understand me,” she say.

  “They love you,” Sue say.

  “And I love them,” she say.

  “Listen now,” Sue tell her, “you gonna lose that baby and that man if you don’t stop this messin around.”

  “Ain’t gonna do that no such of a thing,” she say, but she know Sue right. She still pouring that rum down, she ain’t slacked off. She just have to deny the truth because old truth hurt too much to face.

  Sue get up, she got tears in her eye and stuff, she dabbing with Kleenexes. Can’t nobody talk sense to this fool.

  “Yes you will,” she say, and she leave. She ain’t gone hang around and watch this self-destruction. Woman done turned into a time bomb ticking. She got to get away from here, so she run out the door. She booking home. Everybody looking.

  Angel all a
lone now. She order two more singles and drink both of them. But she shitfaced time she drink that last one, she done been in the booth a hour and a half. Which has done caused some men to think about hitting on her, they done seen them thin legs and stuff she got. This one wimp done even come over to the table, he just assume she lonesome and want some male company, he think he gonna come over like he Robert Goulet or somebody and just invite himself to sit down. He done seen her wedding ring, but he thinking, Man, this woman horny or something, she wouldn’t be sitting here all by her lonesome. And this fool almost sit down in the booth with her, he gonna buy her a drink, talk some trash to her, when he really thinking is he gonna get her in some motel room and take her panties off. But she done recognized his act, she ain’t having nothing to do with this fool. She tell him off right quick. Of course he get huffy and leave. That’s fine. Ain’t asked that fool to sit down with her anyway.

  Now she done decided she don’t want to have another drink in this place. Old depression setting in. People coming in now to eat seafood with they families, little kids and stuff, grandmamas, she don’t need to be hanging around in here no more. Waiters looking at her. She know they wanting her to leave before she give their place a bad name. Plus she taking up room in this booth where some family wanting to eat some filet catfish. She know all this stuff. She know she better leave before they ask her to. She done had embarrassment enough, don’t need no more.

  Ain’t eat nothing yet. Don’t want nothing to eat. Don’t even eat at home much. Done lost weight, breasts done come down, was fine and full, legs even done got skinny. She know Alan notice it when she undress. She don’t even weigh what she weigh on they wedding night when she give herself to Alan. She know he worried sick about her. He get her in the bed and squeeze her so tight he hurt her, but she don’t say Let go.

  She trying to walk straight when she go out to her car, but she look like somebody afflicted. Bumping into hoods and stuff. She done late already. Ball game over. It after six and Randy and Alan already home by now. Ain’t no way she going home right now. She ain’t gonna face them crying faces. And, too, she go home, Alan ain’t letting her drink another drop. So she decide to get her a bottle and just ride around a while. She gonna ride around and sober up, then she gonna go home. And she need to do this anyway because this give her time to think something up like say the car tore up or something, why she late.

  Only thing, she done gone in the liquor store so many times she ashamed to. She see these same people and she know they thinking: Damn, this woman done been in here four times this week. Drinking like a fish. She don’t like to look in they eyes. So she hunt her up another store on the other side of town. She don’t want to get too drunk, so she just get a sixer of beers and some schnapps. She going to ride around, cruise a little and sober up. That what she thinking.

  She driving okay. Hitting them beers occasionally, hitting that peach schnapps every few minutes because it so good and ain’t but forty-eight proof. It so weak it ain’t gonna make her drunk. Not no half pint. She ain’t gonna ride around but a hour. Then she gonna go home.

  She afraid to take a drink when anybody behind her. She thinking the police gonna see her and throw them blue lights on her. Then she be in jail calling Alan to come bail her out. Which he already done twice before. She don’t want to stay in town. She gonna drive out on the lake road. They not as much traffic out there. So she go off out there, on this blacktop road. She gonna ride out to the boat landing. Ain’t nobody out there, it too cold to fish. She curve around through the woods three or four miles. She done finished one of them beers and throwed the bottle out the window. She get her another one and drink some more of that schnapps. That stuff go down so easy and so hard to stop on. Usually when she open a half pint, she throw the cap far as she can.

  Angel weaving a little, but she ain’t drunk. She just a little tired. She wishing she home in the bed right now. She know they gonna have a big argument when she get home. She dreading that. Alan, he have to fix supper for Randy and his mama ain’t taught him nothing about cooking. Only thing he know how to do is warm up a TV dinner, and Randy just sull up when he have to eat one of them. She wishing now she’d just gone on home. Wouldn’t have been so bad then. Going to be worse now, much worser than if she’d just gone on home after them double One Fifty-Ones. Way it is, though. Get started, can’t stop. Take that first drink, she ain’t gonna stop till she pass out or run out. She don’t know what it is. She ain’t even understand it herself. Didn’t start out like this. Didn’t use to be this way. Use to be a beer once in a while, little wine at New Year’s. Things just get out of hand. Don’t mean to be this way. Just can’t help it. Alan used to would drink a little beer on weekends and it done turned him flat against it. He don’t even want to be around nobody drinking now. Somebody offer him a drink now he tell em to get it out of his face. He done even lost some of his friends over this thing.

  Angel get down to the boat ramp, ain’t a soul there. Windy out there, water dark, scare her to death just to see it. What would it be to be out in them waves, them black waves closing over your head, ain’t nobody around to hear you screaming. Coat be waterlogged and pulling you down. Hurt just a little and that’s all. Just a brief pain. Be dead then, won’t know nothing. Won’t have no hurts. Easy way out. They get over it eventually. Could make it look like an accident. Drive her car right off in the water, everybody think it a mistake. Just a tragedy, that’s all, a unfortunate thing. Don’t want to hurt nobody. What so wrong with her life she do the things she do? Killing her baby and her man little at a time. And her ownself. But have to have it. Thinking things when she drinking she wouldn’t think at all when she not drinking. But now she drinking all the time, and she thinking same way all the time.

  She drink some more beer and schnapps, and then she pass out or go to sleep, she don’t know which. Same thing. Sleeping she don’t have to think no more. Ain’t no hurting when she sleeping. Sleeping good, but can’t sleep forever. Somebody done woke her up, knocking on the glass. Some boy out there. High school boy. Truck parked beside, some more kids in it. She scared at first, think something bad. But they look all right. Don’t look mean or nothing. Just look worried. She get up and roll her window down just a little, just crack it.

  “Ma’am?” this boy say. “You all right, ma’am?”

  “Yes,” she say. “Fine, thank you.”

  “Seen you settin here,” he say. “Thought your car tore up maybe.”

  “No,” Angel say. “Just sleepy,” she say. “Leavin now,” she say, and she roll the window up. She turn the lights on, car still running, ain’t even shut it off. Out in the middle of nowhere asleep, ain’t locked the door. Somebody walk up and slit her throat, she not even know it. She crazy. She got to get home. She done been asleep no telling how long.

  She afraid they gonna follow her out. They do. She can’t stand for nobody to get behind her like that. Make her nervous. She decide she gonna speed up and leave them behind. She get up to about sixty-five. She start to pull away. She sobered up a little while she asleep. Be okay to get another one of them beers out the sack now. Beer sack down in the floor. Have to lean over and take her eyes off the road just a second to get that beer, no problem.

  Her face hit the windshield, the seat slam her up. Too quick. Lights shining up against a tree. Don’t even know what happened. Windshield broke all to pieces. Smoke coming out the hood. She wiping her face. Interior light on, she got blood all over her hands. Face bleeding. She look in the rearview mirror, she don’t know her own self. Look like something in a monster movie. She screaming now. Face cut all to pieces. She black out again. She come to, she out on the ground. People helping her up. She screaming I’m ruint I’m ruint. Lights in her eyes, legs moving in front of her. Kids talking. One of them say she just drive right off the road into that tree. She don’t believe it. Road move or something. Tree jump out in front of her. She a good driver. She drive too good for something like this.

  Cos
t three thousand dollars to fix the car this time. Don’t even drive right no more. Alan say the frame bent. Alan say it won’t never drive right no more. And ain’t even paid for. She don’t know about no frame. She just know it jerk going down the road.

  She in the hospital a while. She don’t remember exactly, three or four days. They done had to sew her face up. People see them scars even through thick makeup the rest of her life. She bruised so bad she don’t get out the bed for a week. Alan keep saying they lucky she ain’t dead. He keep praising God his wife ain’t dead. She know she just gonna have to go through it again now sometime, till a worse one happen. Police done come and talked to her. She lie her way out of it, though. Can’t prove nothing. Alan keep saying we lucky.

  Ain’t lucky. Boss call, want to know when she coming back to work. She hem and haw. Done missed all them Mondays. She can’t give no definite answer. He clear his throat. Maybe he should find somebody else for her position since she so vague. Well yessir, she say, yessir, if you think that the best thing.

  Alan awful quiet after this happen. He just sit and stare. She touch him out on the porch, he just draw away. Like her hand a bad thing to feel on him. This go on about a week. Then he come home from work one evening and she sitting in the living room with a glass of wine in her hand.

  He back now from having his hand sewed up. He sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, he done bought some cigarettes and he smoking one after another. Done been quit two years, say it the hardest thing he ever done. He say he never stop wanting one, that he have to brace himself every day. Now he done started back. She know: This what she done to him.

  Angel not drinking anything. Don’t mean she don’t have nothing. Just can’t have it right now. He awake now. Later he be asleep. He think the house clean. House ain’t clean. Lots of places to hide things, you want to hide them bad enough. Ain’t like Easter eggs, like Christmas presents. Like life and death.

  Wouldn’t never think on her wedding night it ever be like this. She in the living room by herself, he in the kitchen by himself. TV on, she ain’t watching it, some fool on Johnny Carson telling stuff ain’t even funny. She ain’t got the sound on. Ain’t hear nothing, ain’t see nothing. She hear him like choke in there once in a while. Randy in the bed asleep. Want so bad to get up and go in there and tell Alan, Baby I promise I will quit. Again. But ain’t no use in saying it, she don’t mean it. Just words. Don’t mean nothing. Done lost trust anyway. Lose trust, a man and wife, done lost everything. Even if she quit now, stay quit, he always be looking over that shoulder, he always be smelling her breath. Lost his trust she won’t never get it back.